Harry Sweetditch

Have you ever been invited over to a friend’s house only to have them decide that a fun way to spend time as friends is for all of the friends together to watch a movie that will convince your bodies that they’re going to be killed?

Did you feel like maybe your particular body didn’t want to feel like it was going to be killed?

Did you worry that the experience would be so intense that your brain would replay the terrifying events of the movie again and again late at night when you were trying to sleep?

Did you worry that the only way you would be able to handle your sleepless terror was to make and consume a pitcher of “poor man’s margarita” out of lemonade and your available liquor, because you’ve taught your brain that the anesthesia of alcohol is the best way to deal with trauma?

Did you worry that the only alcohol left in the house was a licorice-flavored Greek liqueur, “Ouzo”, left over from Easter, even though no one in your family is Greek?

If so, here are some helpful tips that will help you through the experience of watching a scary movie:

-People are unsympathetic when adults can’t handle scary movies, but they’re generally fine with not scaring children to death. See if you can convince your friends that you’re actually a ten-year-old child.

-Before the movie begins, let everyone know that you’ll probably have to make a bowel movement during the movie, and that the bowel movement will probably take about two hours, due to some problems you’re currently working through with your gastroenterologist. Call the bowel movement a “bowelie”. This is a jocular term for a bowel movement that I’d like to see catch on.

As soon as the scary stuff in the movie starts, say “Uh-oh”, and get up and go sit in the bathroom for the next two hours. While you’re in there, you can choose whether or not you’d like to actually make a bowelie. It’s up to you. The beauty of this plan is that you’re free to choose.

-Bring cotton balls and a sleep mask with you to every social gathering. As a scary movie starts, you can trigger the smoke alarm and evacuate the house by piling the cotton balls on the mask and setting fire to them.

-If you have time to prepare, see if you can develop a friendship with some of the wild rats in the area. Once you’ve gained their trust, it will be easy to convince them to infiltrate your friends’ house and gnaw through important wires in their entertainment system. Explain to them that, yes, some rats may die during this assignment, but allegiance to your cause requires sacrifice. If this plan incurs heavy losses, the rats will rebel. Be prepared. If you don’t have the stomach to put down a rat rebellion, you may need to move to a new city, as rats are vindictive, stubborn, and will always talk shit—they will not let the issue drop unless you completely dominate them. However, moving may be a blessing in disguise, as your new friends in your new city will almost certainly be cooler than your old friends and won’t make you watch scary movies.

-Hide drugs in your friend’s house (maybe in the refrigerator? do drugs go bad? do people keep drugs in the refrigerator?). Call the cops and tell them that your friends are planning to give a child some drugs as a birthday present. Your friends will be unable to make you watch a scary movie if they’re in jail.

-Suggest that if everyone’s interested in a scary movie, maybe you should all watch a documentary about hive collapse disorder. This plan entails some risk, since I’ve personally found that these documentaries are terrifying. However, your friends will probably just force you to leave the gathering, and you’ll be able to spend your night at home, doors and windows locked and bolted, the cold steel of your shotgun barrel caressing your face as you sleep.

-Try taking a deep breath and asking yourself why most people can watch a scary movie without it ruining their lives. Unpack your fear and try to locate whether or not you’re reacting to some trauma. Try to observe your immediate reaction to your fear and ask whether or not it’s rational. It may be helpful to contact a mental health professional, priest, pastor, or other religious advisor, and distract yourself in conversation with them until the movie is over.

-A follow up to a previous suggestion: if your friends don’t seem convinced by your claim that you’re working through some bowel trouble with a gastroenterologist, you may need to provide some additional proof. You can visit my site and find a very convincing forgery of a doctor’s note which states that you are licensed to take two-hour bowelies. The note comes in PDF format, can be accessed after one payment of $4.99 and downloaded as many times as you like.

-Petition Satan to kill your friends. He’s fairly approachable on this issue.

Basic daily interactions with other humans can be trying. Listening to, and then answering questions? Talk about exhausting! Because you don’t know what a given Cashier might be thinking about you, just the act of paying for the food that sustains you can require every ounce of concentration and anxiety you can spare, requiring additional sustenance, requiring additional interactions with cashiers, and thus plunging you into a vicious cycle. The smart shopper prepares.

You know the standard lines—“Nice day” or “Tasteful tattoo” or “Man, I sure could go for a DVD from Redbox”—but we call those “standard” for a reason. Using one of those will notify your cashier that you’re dull, one of the relentless throng they deal with all day, every day. That you are a willing participant in mass culture is the last thing you want to expose to anyone in the service industry. They view it as a sign of weakness and may become aggressive, demanding, or aroused.

Here are some tips for handling Cashiers and overcoming the “cold-sweat-diarrhea-panic” that a payment-type situation provokes:

Engage them before they engage you

Having to answer questions like “Doing anything fun today?” or “Got plans for the weekend?” is not a tolerable option. To ensure that I’m in control, I like to start the conversation before I even pass the tabloids. If there’s a line, and the customer in front of you is chatting with your future Cashier, look for lulls during which you can interject.

Does that idea make you uncomfortable? The world isn’t going to wait on you. You have to make your own destiny. The petty rules by which you used to live must be shed if you’re going to survive this contest with the other, your Cashier.

Offer to barter

No grocery store will actually allow you to barter other goods or services in exchange for groceries, no matter how attractive the offer, or how persistently you pursue your offer with the assistant manager, branch manager, or regional manager. They seem to be of a single mind on this proposition. They’ll only accept fiat currency, the collective dream from which we all refuse to wake. But if you merely offer to barter, you’ll find yourself putting your Cashier well off her footing, to the extent that you shouldn’t have to endure further, grating conversation.

Try this: “I make fine mahogany duck decoys. They’ve been valued at $50 dollars a piece by experts in the field. Will you accept two of them as a substitute for legal tender in payment for these $80 dollars of groceries?”

Your Cashier’s stunned silence will be your reward.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You may want to keep a few mahogany duck decoys around, just in case you get a bite. Nothing is worse than being found out by a Cashier in an out and out lie. The balance of power can never be restored. You can purchase decoys from me, via my site. Cost is $50 per duck. Boy and girl duck models available. Bow indicates girl duck. Absence of bow indicates boy duck.

Intentionally offend the cashier

This may seems just a bit counter-intuitive, and unnecessarily rude. But you didn’t come to this how-to to be coddled, did you? You came to learn mastery of yourself and your Cashier. But, as you’ll see, we’re not going to leave them in a state of insulted despair.

I recommend going after your Cashier’s name. In most grocery stores, your Cashier will have a name tag, and will be especially vulnerable because of this. Try this:

*Cashier’s name tag reads “Mark”*

“‘Mark’, huh? Is that what passes for a name, nowadays?”

When your Cashier responds with a look of hurt, let the look register with you. Let your hard glare soften. Apologize and offer to make it up to your Cashier. Produce a fine mahogany duck decoy you “just happen” to have with you. Give it to your Cashier as a token of your forgiveness. The craftsmanship of the duck will awe your Cashier, and his silence and willing obeisance will be your reward.

Learn to carve fine mahogany duck decoys

Some folks have found that keeping mahogany duck decoys in stock can be cost prohibitive. That’s why I’ve developed a series of instructional pamphlets and videos to help even rank amateurs learn the fine art of carving mahogany duck decoys. A monthly subscription fee of $49.99 will give you access to all PDFs and videos. In addition, you’ll get constant updates on bleeding edge news about advances in fine mahogany duck decoy carving techniques and equipment, as well the inside line on industry gossip.

Honing your craft, staying up to date, and learning to work outside the system are all part of ensuring a successful interaction with your Cashier.

A Fruit Salad of Harm

written by Josh Stevenson

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How to Survive a Scary Movie

Great Ideas for Interacting With Cashiers