Beethoven kept calling
sloppy bowls of beans
“Delicious candy.”

“Pass the ‘delicious candy’!”
he yelled at the table.
He yelled because he was
as deaf as a parakeet
crushed under a cinder block.

His butler hated hearing him
scream about delicious candy.

Beethoven spilled some
of the sloppy beans on his pants
“Holy crow!” screamed Beethoven.
“I got delicious candy
on my pantaloons!”

He ran to the Danube river
and waded in.
Trout and otters
swarmed him and consumed
the bean slop from his pants.

“They too,” thought Beethoven,
“love the delicious candy.”


What Hamlet Wore

Hamlet, you guys know him.
Prince of Denmark.
father dead,
mother married
to uncle.

Hamlet still
mourns his father.
Beetles around
wearing black, still.
His ‘inky cloak’.

But one thing has lodged
in the Hamlet craw —
frigging impossible
to keep hair and lint off
said starless cloak.

He’s like,
“used a lint roller
not half an hour ago
looks like I spent
every minute since
rolling around a kennel.”

What Hamlet Wore

The Big Event

A bunch of girls
in their early twenties
went and got lattes
before the big event.

Then they drove
to the big event.
Makayla Larva, their leader,
had booked a room
at a slaughterhouse.

The girls all rushed in
and tore the ox to pieces
bathed in the blood
gorged on the flesh.

The rest of the girls
had to wait until Makayla
had eaten her fill,
then they buried
their heads in the carcass,
slurping up gobbets of meat.

After they got hosed down
they went to Makayla’s
and did face masks
and watched Gilmore Girls.

The Big Event

I Could Hardly Wait

20220110 - I Could Hardly Wait

I heard about someone building his own casket.
I thought that sounded like a good idea.
It seems likely to me that I’ll be dead soon.
So better get to work on that casket, I figure.

I’m always reminding my family that I’ll probably be dead soon.
They like it when I say that.

When I turned 16 I became convinced that I would die before I was 18.
Part of the reason I did that was so I would drive carefully.
And it worked.
I survived.
It still works.
For years I’ve been driving like an old man delivering elaborate cakes on a reality TV show.

So I bought some wood for my casket.
Nothing fancy.
Just plywood.
And I used an ax cut the wood just so.
The pieces got that ‘rough hewn’ look that gives pallbearers splinters.
The rough hewn look is De rigueur.
Or in this case de rigeuer mortis.

Apparently, I told one of my younger brothers, when he was 10 or so, that I didn’t think he’d make it to 18.
I think my idea was to put something like that in his head the way I’d put not making it to 18 in my own head.
And that would be a protection against doing stupid stuff that would make him become a dead corpse.
So that was very nice of me to do.

Now I just had to hammer the whole dang casket together.
I got out my trusty hammer.
I tapped a nail into place.
Then I drove it in.
Then I did the same thing with about five more nails.

And that’s all it took.
I threw a couple of throw pillows from the couch into the casket to give it a homey look.
Boy, did it look nice.

I could hardly wait to die.

I Could Hardly Wait

Pretty Girl Who Is Also Telekinetic

Pretty Telekinesis

I’m a pretty girl who’s popular and good at school and I play basketball and do cheerleading.

I also have telekinetic powers.

Telekinetic powers let me move things with my mind. So I can put on makeup while I’m driving.

It’s helpful after basketball practice when I’m on my way to a date with my boyfriend, Russ.

I can just put on my makeup without using my hands, making the brushes and pencils float around in front of my face.

Russ and I like to help out at a soup kitchen.

That’s our idea of a fun date, helping others who are much less fortunate than ourselves.

At the soup kitchen, I use my telekinetic powers to give really light shoulder massages to the homeless guys.

I read that homeless guys often haven’t been touched in a kind way by anyone in years.

So I thought it would be nice if there were a way to give them an almost subconscious feeling of human contact.

Telekinesis lets me do that without being inappropriate.

It’s cool, because the shoulder massages do seem to help, but I don’t have to actually touch the homeless guys.

So it’s win-win.

I haven’t told Russ about my telekinetic powers yet. But we’re both very trusting in our relationship.

When I do tell Russ about my powers, I think he’ll handle it really well, because he’s cool under pressure and not high-strung or conceited.

I’ve done a little bit of research into telekinesis and it turns out that people usually get their telekinetic powers when they undergo a stressful event of some kind.

That’s true of me.

I first got my telekinetic powers in a situation where I was under a lot of stress.

I have a job serving coffee in a coffee kiosk in the parking lot of a Home Depot. But that job isn’t stressful at all.

Everyone’s so nice when they order coffee and they tip me really well.

All I have to do is be kind and friendly and pay attention and everything goes really smoothly.

I guess I just have to be myself.

So my job wasn’t the source of stress.

I saved up my money from the coffee job and went halfsies with my dad on a Jetta.

When we bought the Jetta, we got a loan, and I had to sign the papers. We didn’t need to get the loan, because I’d saved up half of the entire amount, and Dad was paying the rest and he definitely didn’t need the loan, because the Lord has been very good to him.

We were taking the loan out because actually being on the loan and paying it back would help establish a credit history for me.

Which is really important for my future.

Russ and I are both thinking about our future. He’s already taken out a loan and paid it back and has great credit.

He used the loan to buy a really nice zero point turning radius mower and makes amazing money on the weekends.

He practically has enough for a downpayment on a house. It’s hard for me to not think “our house” even though I know we’re young and need to stay open to a multiplicity of paths.

And all of that was going on in my mind in the moment that I was signing and I was so excited and nervous that I couldn’t remember my signature.

I’ve practiced my signature like a whole lot, all over my notebooks at school, so this was freaking me out.

I just sat there looking at the papers and trying to make it look like I was reading them very carefully, but I was actually just trying to remember how to write my name.

I’ve never been so stressed out in my whole life.

And that’s when the pen started to float out of my hand.

I found that I could twitch my mind and bring the pen back to my hand. No one noticed.

I held the pen, and then I suddenly remembered how to write my signature.

Then I wrote my signature with my mind and it came out perfect. My hand was holding the pen, but my mind was doing all the work.

Now that I can just use my mind to write my signature, I do it perfectly every time.

I signed the papers and we got the loan and bought the car.

The sales guy at the car lot was like, “Very nice signature.”

I love that car so much. It has a high safety rating, which really gives me peace of mind.

I’ve found that are pretty much no downsides to being telekinetic.

Except that one lame thing is that the homeless guys at the soup kitchen have all ended up getting jobs and apartments and getting back into society. It seems unlikely that this is a result of the light shoulder massages, but I guess I don’t know for sure that it isn’t.

So the soup kitchen closed down, and now Russ and I feel a little restless and don’t have any good ideas for nice dates.

So that’s lame.

Pretty Girl Who Is Also Telekinetic

Dictionary Party

I’m having a dictionary party. Please come to my dictionary party. Bring your favorite dictionary.

I got the idea from the Amazon page for the Oxford English Dictionary. The OED on Amazon is a 20 volume set and can be yours for $1000 and there’s an ad on the Amazon page that features the OED in an apparent party context, with confetti and ribbons draped over the straight faced volumes. They look like tax examiners for the Internal Revenue Service in party-hats.

I will provide Doritos Cool Ranch and Doritos Max Cheesiest with extra Dorito flavor Level 5, but this will be a Bring Your Own Mountain Dew Event.

But please come to my dictionary party. Unless you’re planning on bringing your physical copy of the Microsoft Encarta Dictionary. Even though it has the word dictionary in the title, you need to admit to yourself that it’s not a dictionary. I’m sorry, but if you bring the Microsoft Encarta Dictionary, you’ll have to leave. This is a party after all, and we want it to be fun, so we have to draw the line somewhere.

It’s a party, not a soup kitchen.

Dictionary Party