by Harry Sweetditch

Have you ever been invited over to a friend’s house only to have them decide that a fun way to spend time as friends is for all of the friends together to watch a movie that will convince your bodies that they’re going to be killed?

Did you feel like maybe your particular body didn’t want to feel like it was going to be killed?

Did you worry that the experience would be so intense that your brain would replay the terrifying events of the movie again and again late at night when you were trying to sleep?

Did you worry that the only way you would be able to handle your sleepless terror was to make and consume a pitcher of “poor man’s margarita” out of lemonade and your available liquor, because you’ve taught your brain that the anesthesia of alcohol is the best way to deal with trauma?

Did you worry that the only alcohol left in the house was a licorice-flavored Greek liqueur, “Ouzo”, left over from Easter, even though no one in your family is Greek?

If so, here are some helpful tips that will help you through the experience of watching a scary movie:

-People are unsympathetic when adults can’t handle scary movies, but they’re generally fine with not scaring children to death. See if you can convince your friends that you’re actually a ten-year-old child.

-Before the movie begins, let everyone know that you’ll probably have to make a bowel movement during the movie, and that the bowel movement will probably take about two hours, due to some problems you’re currently working through with your gastroenterologist. Call the bowel movement a “bowelie”. This is a jocular term for a bowel movement that I’d like to see catch on.

As soon as the scary stuff in the movie starts, say “Uh-oh”, and get up and go sit in the bathroom for the next two hours. While you’re in there, you can choose whether or not you’d like to actually make a bowelie. It’s up to you. The beauty of this plan is that you’re free to choose.

-Bring cotton balls and a sleep mask with you to every social gathering. As a scary movie starts, you can trigger the smoke alarm and evacuate the house by piling the cotton balls on the mask and setting fire to them.

-If you have time to prepare, see if you can develop a friendship with some of the wild rats in the area. Once you’ve gained their trust, it will be easy to convince them to infiltrate your friends’ house and gnaw through important wires in their entertainment system. Explain to them that, yes, some rats may die during this assignment, but allegiance to your cause requires sacrifice. If this plan incurs heavy losses, the rats will rebel. Be prepared. If you don’t have the stomach to put down a rat rebellion, you may need to move to a new city, as rats are vindictive, stubborn, and will always talk shit—they will not let the issue drop unless you completely dominate them. However, moving may be a blessing in disguise, as your new friends in your new city will almost certainly be cooler than your old friends and won’t make you watch scary movies.

-Hide drugs in your friend’s house (maybe in the refrigerator? do drugs go bad? do people keep drugs in the refrigerator?). Call the cops and tell them that your friends are planning to give a child some drugs as a birthday present. Your friends will be unable to make you watch a scary movie if they’re in jail.

-Suggest that if everyone’s interested in a scary movie, maybe you should all watch a documentary about hive collapse disorder. This plan entails some risk, since I’ve personally found that these documentaries are terrifying. However, your friends will probably just force you to leave the gathering, and you’ll be able to spend your night at home, doors and windows locked and bolted, the cold steel of your shotgun barrel caressing your face as you sleep.

-Try taking a deep breath and asking yourself why most people can watch a scary movie without it ruining their lives. Unpack your fear and try to locate whether or not you’re reacting to some trauma. Try to observe your immediate reaction to your fear and ask whether or not it’s rational. It may be helpful to contact a mental health professional, priest, pastor, or other religious advisor, and distract yourself in conversation with them until the movie is over.

-A follow up to a previous suggestion: if your friends don’t seem convinced by your claim that you’re working through some bowel trouble with a gastroenterologist, you may need to provide some additional proof. You can visit my site and find a very convincing forgery of a doctor’s note which states that you are licensed to take two-hour bowelies. The note comes in PDF format, can be accessed after one payment of $4.99 and downloaded as many times as you like.

-Petition Satan to kill your friends. He’s fairly approachable on this issue.