Cats

Pets in the Workplace

jthomasstervenson, , , , Leave a comment

August 13th, 2014
Matt,
Quick note . . . I think your dog hates me. Last time you brought Patches into the office he wagged his tail as I was petting him, but yesterday there was a coldness in his gaze that I found unsettling. I think you should talk to him. Or I could. Just let me know what makes the most sense to you.

Regards,
David

August 19th, 2014
Tricia,
Do you know if Pippy is unhappy with something I said to her this last Friday? I was honestly just trying to keep up the banter when I asked her if she was a pretty bird. I wasn’t trying to be weird. But then she didn’t say anything, and I felt like she might have taken it weird, or maybe she was just messing with me? Are cockatoos into those kinds of mind games? Maybe next time you bring her to work you should just avoid me.

Regards,
David

August 23rd, 2014
All,
I’m writing a formal apology for last night. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress as we’ve been closing in on the merger, but that’s no excuse. To make it clear, Ben is not fired. I would never fire anyone for something his or her cats did. I do not retract my statements about Pepper and Jocasta (the sooner they’re burning in hell the better), but I admit that I went overboard when I threatened to bag Henrietta and tie her to the nearest pitbull.

It seems likely to me now that she didn’t realize what a zen garden is for and that I misinterpreted her natural curiosity—and then her natural waste voiding functions—as her calling my newfound interest in Buddhism pretentious. Normally, I would say that ignorance isn’t really an excuse, but I think animals deserve a little leeway as we humans have persecuted them ceaselessly since we dethroned them as rulers of the earth in the ‘60s.

Apologies,
David Henry
CEO of Trailway Industries

Pets in the Workplace

Kittens and Squirrels

jthomasstervenson, , , , 2 Comments

Our cat, Henrietta, is a bit of an embarrassment to us—she has no sexual ethics to speak of and gets pregnant from time to time. Henrietta can’t be contained. So we have kittens hanging around occasionally.

We had some people over. We were having drinks. The kids came in and said, “The kittens are eating a squirrel.” Several of us wanted to see little kittens eating a dead squirrel, so we went out to the garage to see.

I want you to know that we got to see a squirrel being eaten. It was almost everything you could wish for, if you want to see how things are out in the wilds, out in the neighborhoods, where anything can happen.

But we didn’t get to see what we wanted to see. It was an old cat eating a squirrel. Henrietta was eating the squirrel. We know she’s depraved. Very loose sexual ethics, remember. Kittens though—we wanted to see kittens ruin our idea of kittens.

My brother Gabe said, “I really wanted to see something adorable eating something adorable.”

We all nodded gravely. Gabe had really said what we were all thinking.

But kittens manage their image pretty carefully. They know their brand and they stick to it. The kittens were on point from a branding perspective. We were disappointed, but we had to hand it to the kittens. Way to keep nailing it, kittens.

Kittens and Squirrels