beyourselfCongratulations! You took an online test and found out that you’re an INFP, according to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Even though it only took 45 minutes out of your day, the returns are going to be incredible.

You no longer have to make any excuses for negative tendencies in your personality. It turns out that, in the same way that being diagnosed with hepatitis would relieve you of the responsibility to give blood, taking this 30 minute online test and finding out that you’re an introvert means that you can stop looking people in the eyes,responding when people talk to you in the lunch room at work, leaving your house. Not to mention, this diagnosis is a license to kill.

That’s not a metaphor. Because you found out you’re an INFP, you’ve been granted a license to take human life at your whim. Totally legal. Congratulations.

It doesn’t matter which version of the test you took. It doesn’t even matter if you figured out which personality type Lisa Kudrow was (INFP) and then answered the questions in such a way that you could be categorized the same way as the actress who played “Phoebe” on Friends. You’re still allowed to watch the light leave another human’s eyes whenever you want.

It doesn’t matter if you’re confused about what a personality test that categorizes both Fred Savage and the Virgin Mary as INFPs could possibly be indicating. That’s right, the Blessed Virgin, full of grace, clearly has the same contours of personality as the kid from Princess Bride. You don’t see the linkage? That annoys you? You’re wondering if maybe a personality test that casts such a wide net might not be giving you useful information? You feel like you’ve been cheated of the 15 minutes it took you to complete the test? You need to get some of that aggression out? No sweat. You can kill Fred Savage, today, without any fear of legal repercussions.

You’re an INFP. No one can touch you. You hover above all human law. You pass through cities like the destroying angel, with a drawn sword in your hand. The mountains quake at your touch.

Just pray that singer-songwriter James Taylor, also an INFP, doesn’t find you first.


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