You’re Invited


I wanted to send this note along with Liam’s birthday invitation. Try as we might, there’s no way that we can guarantee that our alcoholic neighbor, Dave, won’t crash the birthday party. I know that it’s a party for a 7 year-old (I can’t believe he’s already 7!!!), but Dave has been ‘acting out’ a lot since his wife left. He’s been pretty isolated. So he’ll find just about any excuse to drop by when we have company. He showed up at my baby shower a couple months ago, trying to get our wifi password. He kept assuring us he’d pay every month and wouldn’t look at porn, which pretty much convinced us that he wanted the internet almost exclusively to look at porn.

But the party is going to be a lot of fun! Liam’s going through a big giraffe phase right now, so we’re going to have giraffe crafts, play pin-the-tail-on-the-giraffe,  and eat giraffe food—any acacia leaf allergies out there? Just kidding!

Because the party’s at 10:00 AM on Saturday, Dave will have had a good three hours of drinking behind him. Honestly, I should have scheduled it for like 3:00 in the afternoon, because he’s usually passed out on his back porch by then. But we could only get the bouncy castle (savanna themed!!) from 10:00 to 1:00, so we’re locked in. They had other bouncy castles available at different times, but Liam was insistent about the giraffe theme. It’s going to be a lot of fun!

Dave is terrifying. Please prepare your children. His demeanor is pleasant but erratic. You might consider googling images of people in advanced stages of dental decay, and then showing them to your kids in the days leading up to the party. If your kids are unfamiliar with the ravages of addiction, consider viewing Leaving Las Vegas or Trainspotting with them before the party. It might seem like a lot, but honestly, over-prepared is better than under-prepared.

If we owned the house, we’d put up fences. But until we pay off Chad’s abortive attempt at an MBA, we’ll probably be living next to Dave, asking visitors to park down the street and sneak down the alley, so he doesn’t come over asking to borrow a hammer during dinner, just so he can have a look at our guests. I don’t actually think putting up fences would make a difference. He’s relentless.

We have a few activities, but mostly we’re going to just let the kids be kids and run around, while avoiding loud noises and sudden movements. Everything should be fine. We’ve got cake, ice cream, and some weird pasta salad that Dave insisted we serve, that he got from a friend who works in the kitchen at one of the sororities on campus.Tell your kids to avoid the pasta salad.

Don’t let Dave ruin this for Liam. Don’t let your fear of Dave ruin this for Liam. Don’t forget to prepare your children. Don’t forget to RSVP!

You’re Invited

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