As we start, clear your mind. Take several deep breaths. Make sure you’re sitting comfortably. Feel the weight of your body in the chair, some more than others. Big fat people will feel their weight more than attractive people.

Okay, nothing special about the inhale here. Don’t even think about it. Inhales are for losers and we don’t spend any time on them. But now on the exhale, you will visualize the stress leaving your body—you feel the stress flowing out of your lungs, starting up your throat. You feel the stress as it begins its way up your trachea. You forgot that your windpipe is called your trachea until right now. And right now, your trachea is all that exists. Just a trachea floating above a chair or maybe the floor if you chose to sit on the floor like an idiot.

Really focus on your trachea. What’s that thing made out of anyway? You don’t know. In this guided meditation, even if you do know, you don’t know, especially if you’re sitting on the floor, because, duh.

We are working towards ego death. We want to kill that bad ol ego, so that enlightenment can assume the throne, and make out with the queen. That is the point of meditation, finally giving enlightenment a chance to make out with the queen. Part of ego death is admitting that you don’t know what kind of tissue the trachea is made out of. Of course I know. I just don’t want to tell you because it’s an object lesson. You think you’re better than me? Then why are you doing everything I tell you to do.

That stress is still in your trachea. At least it’s out of your lungs, so that’s good. But sheesh. Still right there in the ol windpipe. Forget that you know the word “trachea”. Cool. Good job. Now remember it. Now forget it. This part of the meditation is about impermanence and the way things pass into and out of existence, constantly. Now remember it. Now . . . keep remembering it. Double remember it. Forget it. Remember. The matrix is real. Forget it.

The stress starts to travel up the weird, mucusy passage of the trachea. You just remembered it. Great work. The trachea is gross. Your stress keeps traveling up the gross trachea. At the top of the trachea, boom , that’s the larynx. Cool. Awesome. Check out that bad boy. Huh? What’s this? You have some scarring on your larynx. That’s weird. You should probably get that checked out. Eee. Uhp. You remember that it’s probably from when you were in your room, chewing on a lego, and your dad barged in to remind you that Princess Diana was dead, and it surprised you, remembering that, and you swallowed the lego—YIKES. (Quick update, during this memory you have completely forgotten the word “trachea”). But the lego just scratched up your larynx there, and *blurp* popped right out. Good job. Well done, but we’ll have to leave it here, that’s all the time we have. Good job on most of a single exhalation, but that stress is going to have to stay trapped in your . . . what’s the word? Windpipe? That doesn’t seem right, but you can’t remember any synonyms for windpipe. . . That stress will just have to stay trapped until next time.