These people at The Atlantic have asked me to share some “tips” about how to get the job done. Plenty of others have tried to explain what it is to be “productive,” but when it comes to the showdown, their words will be swill in the jar. A residue. My writing on the matter has appeared in Wired, The Wall Street Journal, Fast Company, and Huffpo. Work for those and a number of other sites around the web is paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. Not to mention ad revenue from my own site and consulting service. So if I say I’m a productivity guru, you will agree.

1. Set Achievable Goals!
Here’s a saying of mine that my people hear often: “It’s no good to threaten to cut the throats of your competitors and their families while they’re sleeping, if you haven’t even figured out how to get inside.” The point is, it’s one step at a time.

2. Don’t Forget to Keep it Light and Personal!
I’ve found that it’s easier to deal with people if they have a sweet face to look at. So I keep my Twitter and Facebook feeds full of pictures of my son and partner, H.W. Plainview. Don’t make it all about work and your need to crush the competition. Your want to seem to be a fully rounded human. That’ll let you to get close to people who care about these things. Close to them, close to where they’re weak. Post pictures of yourself joining up with one of the faiths—Bar Mitzvah, baptism, circumcision. Myself, I like them all.

3. Keep Tight Hold of Priorities!
This can be the biggest block to truly getting the job done. When my name got out and my site started blowing gold all over the place, I needed to upgrade my servers. I wanted something sturdy. Something that would last. I had H.W. and my assistant Julian move this great hulking server into my apartment, up the stairs. One thing lead to another, and I’ll be damned if that server didn’t come loose from the dolly, roll Julian down the stairs and crush his head against the wall on the landing. But the server was fine. My priority was sturdiness, and it served me well.

4. Bury Everyone Who Opposes You Underground!
Don’t be afraid to tell the competition what you think. If you intend to crush them, let them know. If you don’t intend to crush them, what in the goddamn hell are you doing?

5. Remember Why You’re Doing It!
Sometimes it can be hard to pull yourself up off the floor in the morning, rinse the stale taste of last night’s whiskey from out of your mouth, and go about your day. That’s why it’s good to remember the point of it all. Myself, I want to earn enough money that I can live off the interest and keep to myself. I’d like to do what I can to unplug from the emails and phone calls. I’d like to earn enough money so that I can get away from everyone. But that’s just me.

That’s all I have. Go away and don’t come back.

Well, except to visit the site, and follow me on twitter. But otherwise, get away.