August 13th, 2014
Matt,
Quick note . . . I think your dog hates me. Last time you brought Patches into the office he wagged his tail as I was petting him, but yesterday there was a coldness in his gaze that I found unsettling. I think you should talk to him. Or I could. Just let me know what makes the most sense to you.

Regards,
David

August 19th, 2014
Tricia,
Do you know if Pippy is unhappy with something I said to her this last Friday? I was honestly just trying to keep up the banter when I asked her if she was a pretty bird. I wasn’t trying to be weird. But then she didn’t say anything, and I felt like she might have taken it weird, or maybe she was just messing with me? Are cockatoos into those kinds of mind games? Maybe next time you bring her to work you should just avoid me.

Regards,
David

August 23rd, 2014
All,
I’m writing a formal apology for last night. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress as we’ve been closing in on the merger, but that’s no excuse. To make it clear, Ben is not fired. I would never fire anyone for something his or her cats did. I do not retract my statements about Pepper and Jocasta (the sooner they’re burning in hell the better), but I admit that I went overboard when I threatened to bag Henrietta and tie her to the nearest pitbull.

It seems likely to me now that she didn’t realize what a zen garden is for and that I misinterpreted her natural curiosity—and then her natural waste voiding functions—as her calling my newfound interest in Buddhism pretentious. Normally, I would say that ignorance isn’t really an excuse, but I think animals deserve a little leeway as we humans have persecuted them ceaselessly since we dethroned them as rulers of the earth in the ‘60s.

Apologies,
David Henry
CEO of Trailway Industries